please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
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