I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
