Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
