Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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