Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
