I just pynch a tree in the face
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
