Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
my being single is dangerous.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
