I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
