It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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