What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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