i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
