New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
