"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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