So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
