The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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