Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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