you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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