she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dicks are not precious.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
