Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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