Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
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