Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
