Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
