I looked at my own cervix.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
