I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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