tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
