Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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