I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
