I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
