I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
