Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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