i can't believe i had my finger in that
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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