My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
