I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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