Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I want to be your penis for a week.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
