My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
