Already got asked if we're dating
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
