My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
