the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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