I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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