so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
