I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
