Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
