I faked an abortion last night.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
