I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
