I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
