That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
