so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
