M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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