Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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