I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
