I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
